Whilst most of you will always be churning out shit, simply following the pointers here may add a pleasing sheen to your product.

Check here regularly for brand new hints!

Despite the high-tech visual effects, kinetic stunts and slick camera work, the standout feature of any Brainwave film is it’s sharp script.

Scripting is very cheap, and therefore you can afford to spend up to 3 or 4 days re-working any bits that you’re not too pleased with. Always keep the pace fast and give the actors plenty of choice lines, or in special cases, a catch phrase.

Do remember that nobody likes a film that’s too serious (think how popular ‘Jaws’ could have been with a few fishy gags), so be sure to write a lot of funny jokes for your film.

Remember, in order to even get a response from an arts organisation you must be on the dole or a student. Anyone with a job is treated like shit.

E-mails it seems are far too useful and cannot be used when in talks with potential studios, who would prefer not to reply to your faxes and letters.

If you can help it, try not to actually make anything. You'll be far more popular if you just spend ages talking and whining about lack of funding.

Always keep your projects very short and include lesbians, drugs, and urban decay if you want to get anywhere. Entertaining films are a no no in the film world.

Don't forget to give your films really cool names. The best thing to do is take some key words or subjects from your film, then stick two of them together to form a single word. For example, 'Battlemath' or 'Aquaroid'.